Your Child Deserves the Best Version of You

Welcome to The Parenting Dare blog! My name is Lori Doerneman, wife of one and mother of eight. I live in Goddard, Kansas and I love my life.

I am so excited to announce that next week, Sunday, August 9, 2018, we are  releasing our free mini course, The Daughter Dare. If you have a daughter aged 8-16, you are in for a treat. EDIT: That course is out NOW! Check it out HERE.

Before we get there, I wanted to take today and look at the inner life of mothers.

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I love my five sons and three daughters. They have taught me SO MUCH ABOUT LIFE AND LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP.

This is what I know about my girls:

• Daughters, especially teenage daughters, are high drama. They criticize and condemn one moment and then they do this flip and lavish love the next. 
• They are demanding and then they are generous. 
• They will declare their independence from me and our family with a crappy attitude. The next hour they will want to discuss something important and they will seek me out. 

Raising daughters is like riding a roller coaster.

What I have learned: I don’t have to ride the roller coaster. 

I have talked with many women about this. Trust me. 

The better way, the much better way, is to literally imagine your daughter on her personal roller coaster and YOU NOT ON IT.

• Yes, she will have ups and downs. 
  • But she needs you to be stable. 
  • She needs you to be trustworthy. 
  • She needs your quiet and your strength. 
  • And mostly, she needs your unconditional.

Those characteristics cannot be formed when you are in the high drama with your daughter. They are created in the quiet. They are created when you are attending to you.  

The word for this is “regulated” and it means that I can get up in the morning, spend time in my quiet place, with a journal, my Bible and some spiritual reading. My jagged edges get smoothed. I get filled with something other than my own thoughts. I remember why I got married and had children. 

And by the time my daughters (and sons) get up I can easily look at them and say, “Good morning, honey.” I am regulated. 

When they freak about not being able to find their shoes, their belt, their skirt or their P.E. uniform, I am Mother Teresa, calm and kind. 

So before we dive into The Daughter Dare next week, which is all about intentionally building into your baby girl, I invite you to make the time to build you. I have read several books on this topic of “mommy care” and there are many analogies used. Some authors talk about us sharpening our saws.  

Another one said it’s like we are on an airplane, which is going down. To be of any use to our children, we must first secure our own oxygen mask. Since my family is usually off-course and out of kilter, that analogy speaks to me. 

Yet in my early morning quiet, I long for a family culture that is beautiful. Whole. Life-giving. Nourishing. Not dive bombing from the sky. 

So this is the imagery I use: my soul is a private garden. In the middle of the garden is a spring. That spring is the source of water that nourishes every aspect of my life. That spring is not of me. It is literally The Eternal Spring and it bubbles up with refreshing, never-ending water. 

 
It quenches all of those dry places within my heart, mind and soul.  

The only thing I “do” in the quiet early morning is allow that Spring to come in and saturate. 

My internal garden has beautiful plants, which are created when I do kind things for myself.
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​Those gorgeous plants are watered and their beauty is sustained when I take care of me. 
 
When I had a lot of little kids, I had that private place within, but it was a dry wasteland. 

Every aspect of my life was tapped. 

I wasn’t getting enough sleep.

My toddlers were normal toddlers: irrational. They would cry and scream and fling themselves on the floor.  

Back then I didn’t understand how vital it was to get nourished by a Higher Power. I just kept trying to scrape water from the bottom of my dry well. I gave reluctantly and with resentment. There was little to no joy. 

I finally realized that I had to do something differently. 

So I started to do things for myself. I would grab a spiritual book and read while my infant nursed. I would ask my husband to watch the children while I took a walk. I would even go to the movies with a friend.

Finally, I started getting up before my kids to pray (and if not pray, just sit still in the quiet before anyone started whining and needing). And pretty soon I had a bit of water in my internal spring. On some days it felt like a pitcher of water. 

Other days it was more like a glass of water. A very small glass of water.

My mission at that stage was simply to be present and to water my little patch of flowers. I was NOT being called to water more than that. I want to be extremely clear. I did not give a lot to my community and I certainly didn’t feel the need to create an online course. 

My point: if you are in survival mode, with babies and toddlers, take the time to get your reserves filled. Use that nourishment to water your family. As they grow and are able to feed and wipe and dress themselves, you will naturally be able to give more outside of your home.

It’s a journey. It’s a process, with many stages. 

But I’ve learned, that as a mama, no matter the stage of the game, YOU MUST TAKE TIME FOR YOU.
  
A major aspect of raising strong sons and daughters is to take the time to create a nurturing self care routine for YOU.  

Think about what nurtures you.

Take out a piece of paper and write down all of the things that bring you joy. 
What gives you energy? 
What makes you happy?
What fills your spirit?

This is NOT about getting a job done, like cleaning off your counters. Yes, the outcome is joy, but nurturing self care is finding what gives you JOY in the moment.

This is my current list:

1. Drinking coffee in my dark room before the kids get up. 
2. Praying deeply. 
3. Reading books that fill my spirit. 
4. Savoring the rosary, meditating slowly.
5. Sitting on my deck. I go out there before kids are up. I put pillows on the porch swing. I sit length-ways on the swing. And I allow myself to be quiet.
6. Writing.
7. Riding my bike.
8. Lifting weights. This is kind of a wish. But just typing it made me feel happy!
9. Going to the Y and sitting in the dry sauna. I find peace galore in the hot sauna. Do not ask me why. 
10. On special days I take my iPad to the downtown YMCA (where I don’t run into anyone that I know) and watch a movie while on the elliptical or bike. I then go to their sauna and continue watching my movie. 
11. Journaling. 
12. Listening to uplifting music.
13. I love love love to go to St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Church in west Wichita during the middle of the day and just sit in the quiet. I sit/kneel near a massive replica of Divine Mercy. Just walking into that space gives me instant peace.
14. Having coffee with my best friends. We have created a safe, nurturing circle of intimate women. We talk about everything. 
15. Talking with my husband.
16. Having passionate, Holy Hannah, marital relations with husband. 
17. Soaking in a very hot bath lit only by candles.
18. Doing Sudoku puzzles.

What gives YOU joy? What activity makes you feel human and alive?

Create your list of things you love.

Every single day, choose 1-3 things to do from that list. As moms, we operate best when we are attending to self. It affects everything and everyone.

It’s not selfish. It’s self-giving. 

I have talked with moms that have told me they do not have any time during their day. One woman just clicked off all of the activities she did for her children. 

A question I’d ask if your life is that full: would you want your daughter, as an adult, to live the life you are living?

You are modeling for her. I want my daughters (as well as sons, but mostly my daughters) to know it’s glorious as well as expected to take time for spiritual, physical and emotional self-care. 

As a woman, we get this misunderstanding of motherhood. We think it’s martyrdom. We feel like it’s a competition to get the most done. 

But look at Jesus. He left the crowds, full of needy people, to pray, to be nourished, to get filled back up. And that.is.what.we.are.to.do.

Now, if you are feeling inspired, write your list and post it in a place where you can see it. Create the time and nurture yourself every day. Your daughter deserves the best version of you, Mama. 

• Yes, she will have ups and downs. 
  • But she needs you to be stable. 
  • She needs you to be trustworthy. 
  • She needs your quiet and your strength. 
  • And mostly, she needs your unconditional.

Those characteristics cannot be formed when you are in the high drama with your daughter. They are created in the quiet. They are created when you are attending to you.