When Tragedy Strikes

I'm going to jump into the deep because there have been MANY TRAGEDIES HAPPENING for people in my circle in Wichita, Kansas, and I feel the need to address this head-on: What Do You Do When Someone is Hurting?

Many of you know that Brene Brown is a hero of mine. She is a researcher, a digger, a connector of dots within the soul. One of her recent books, Atlas of the Heart, is about the nuances found in our language. She says this:
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What I found fascinating in this book is the way she dug into two words: empathy and sympathy. At first glance, those seem like the same, don't they? 

Turns out, they are almost opposites. Let me explain. 

Empathy happens when we listen to someone and their hurt. We lean into them. We dig into our own experiences, our own identity and we connect with them, understanding their pain because we have had pain, too. (But we don't overshare, more on that in a bit.) Empathy is sitting in the discomfort of someone else's distress, being there for them. 

Sympathy is actually a form of disconnect. When we show sympathy for someone, by saying, "I'm so sorry you're in pain, call me if you need anything," we stand at a safe distance. Rather than the shared experiences given with empathy, sympathy says, "not me," but does add, "But I do feel sorry for you." 

According to Brene Brown's research, sympathy is focused on my discomfort of your pain, it's not about me trying to alleviate the pain. 

So. What is a person to do? How do we show up for others? 

Well, this was given to me when I watched a million people stream by a good friend of mine, who was standing near her deceased husband's body in the funeral home. Everyone offered her sympathy. 

"Call me if you need anything!"

"I'm so sorry for your loss! Let me know how I can help!"

They stood at a distance, offering sympathy. Hear me: it did not do her any good. Sure, it sounded wonderful, but she went home to her pain and her sorrow. 

This is what empathy looks and sounds like: 

"Hey! I am going to bring a casserole to your house on Monday evening."

"I know you have relatives in town. I am drop off some muffins in the morning, along with some fruit, so you won't have to think about food. I'll be there at 8 a.m. if that works for you."

"Let's go to the movies next week. Would Tues night or Weds night work?"

"I'd like to help you clean your house; I know it's difficult to think right now. Please don't clean before I get there. I'll show up at 9 a.m. on Saturday."

"Could I babysit your kids for a couple of hours this week? What day and time would work best?" 

"I can bring over some wine this week, we can talk. Does that sound good to you?"

"I am going to bring you a vanilla latte tomorrow morning with an extra shot, just like you like it! I'll be there at 7:30 a.m. Is that too early?"

It is going into their presence and being present. It is about listening. Leaning in. Offering something of yourself. 

It doesn't seem like much, but BEING PRESENT is everything to people whose world has fallen apart. 


Another helpful piece of advice was given to me by a dear friend who had lost his brother to a horrible disease. He said, "Lori, why do people offer me comfort by sharing their terrible stories? Most of the people that talk to me share their tragic stories, almost turning everything around, and I feel like I need to comfort them."

His words have been a guiding star for me—when I am offering someone compassion in the form of empathy, I work really hard not to commiserate by sharing my own personal stories of heartbreak. It is actually difficult to NOT share the stories, because at first glance, it is an easy way to connect. But my friend's words changed me, and I keep my sad stories to myself when I am around a hurting person. 

Bad things do happen in our world. Tragedy does strike. To be truly helpful, think about what you'd appreciate someone offering or doing if you were in their position. Then reach out and do that for them. 

You are needed in our world.