The Best (Inadvertent) Advice I Have Ever Received...

In the fall my son David made the basketball team at Bishop Carroll Catholic High School. Having a son in a high school sport is sort of like going into Witness Protection. I basically left the life that I knew and focused on getting my freshman to and from practice (5:30-7:30 p.m. every single night, even Fridays!). 

It is now mid-March, and I am reengaging with my life, stepping back into my little routines. 

I have missed this space. I have missed you. 

There are some experiences in my life that I'd like to share with you, but they are not ready yet. They are still simmering. So I decided to reach back into my file and share a pivotal experience that happened to me when I still had a lot of young kids in my home.

Originally written in 2018: 

I recently went to Mass at a neighboring parish and I sat behind a large family. I literally had a front row seat to their family dynamic.

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I have a freakishly special place in my heart for mothers of large families. I love being Catholic and I love Natural Family Planning. I love when a mom of nine is pregnant with number ten. I love love love that.

And yes, I grew up in a large Catholic family. I am the third of eleven. Now, I didn’t set out to have a lot of kids, but it turns out that my husband and I are actually pretty good at procreating; we have seven bios, one adopted and six babies in heaven.

I guess you could say that I KNOW big family living. 

So when I see a mom of many I know (from personal experience!) that she will be tired and cranky and she may need a smile, an encouraging note or a meal every so often. 

Life is messy and mothers of large families will have more “mess” to deal with. They will need more help. I get that.

The reality: all mothers will have some bad days. Here’s the deal. The mom that was sitting in front of me at Mass on that particular Sunday was not having a bad day. She was having a bad life. She was not cranky, she was mean. She ruled her family in a way that made my stomach hurt. Her anger was etched in permanent, downward lines on her face.

Her kids were scared of her.

After about half an hour, I was scared of her.

No smile came from her lips. No words of love or encouragement.

Her outward appearance was nasty. There was NOTHING about her that was attractive to me.

I had the overwhelming urge to wash her hair.

I wanted to buy her a little make-up. Or perhaps just a smile.

As I watched her interact with her brood, I felt sort of let down on behalf of all mothers of big families. The way she was acting and reacting, Being a Mom of Many was Pure Hell.

And if she was the advertisement for big family living, then everyone in their right mind would turn from that sort of lifestyle. 

Friends, it got to the point where I just felt sorry for her kids and yes, I also felt deeply sorry for her. She was not getting any enjoyment out of life. I’m sure that is not what she had in mind when she first walked down the aisle. 

I left Mass in a tense sort of mood. I was disappointed. That mother’s brittle behavior made me feel more than a little off balance. And then I had the passing thought that I would never trade places with that woman. I would not like to be her at all. 

Then I heard this question within my soul, “Lori, would anyone, glancing into your life, want to trade places with YOU?"

Oh, my.

​Over the next days and weeks that question worked itself into the innermost part of my being, that place where the quiet Lori lives.

Would someone, glancing into my life, want to trade places with me?

What kind of attitude do I wear for my husband and kids to experience on a day-to-day basis? Am I consistent or do I ebb and flow with the hormonal tides?

Would someone, glancing into my life AT ANY GIVEN TIME, want to trade places with me?

I will just tell you, that question has righted me on numerous occasions and it has been a source of massive inspiration for me.

When my heart is mangled and selfish and feeling overwhelmed, the question gets asked. “Would anyone, knowing how you are reacting to this stress, want to trade places with you?”

Nope. They’d run for the hills.

So I imagine a mom looking into my life and I shift gears; I begin my litany of praise. I have so much to be grateful for.

I find my center. I smile. 

The question has helped me with cleaning. You see, I have a love/hate relationship with cleaning the house. I love it clean, I just don’t want to spend all of my time cleaning. But when I see piles of papers or a terrible mess, I ask, “Would anyone, glancing in right now, want to trade places with me?"

I imagine another mom looking at my clutter, feeling overwhelmed. She would NOT want to be in my shoes. If she doesn’t want to live like that, neither do I.

So I clean, fast and furious. (And I also get the children to clean, too.) 

And I say to my shiny spaces, “Yes, other mamas would love living my life. I have just created an aesthetically pleasing home. Bang, bang.”

I am grateful for the lesson (inadvertently) given by the mom that sat in front of me at Mass. 

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