Parenting Below the Line
A New Mindset
What have you wanted your whole entire life? To be seen and loved for who you really are.
That's pretty much the whole of it, right?
Think for a moment of a time when you totally messed up in your life.
I ask you those questions because, like it or not, we parent like we were parented. And many of us had a Queen Mom and/or King Dad who called the shots. Without thinking, we go into that mode where we focus on our child's BEHAVIOR.
Today I'd like to invite you to a new mindset...to parent from a place of LOVE (vs fear) and to parent your child's HEART.
That's pretty much the whole of it, right?
Think for a moment of a time when you totally messed up in your life.
- How did your parents handle it?
- How did they react?
- How did they guide you?
- How did you FEEL about their handling of it?
- What feelings were you left with?
I ask you those questions because, like it or not, we parent like we were parented. And many of us had a Queen Mom and/or King Dad who called the shots. Without thinking, we go into that mode where we focus on our child's BEHAVIOR.
Today I'd like to invite you to a new mindset...to parent from a place of LOVE (vs fear) and to parent your child's HEART.
Conversations
Where to Begin
Understand the line. It's a definite place where kids hide things from us. Above the line is all the things that they allow others to see. Below the line is all the things that they hide from others. Why do they hide things? They don't want us to see. They know what they are doing is not right. They are afraid that we will judge them or shame them. They don't want us to find out.
Our role, then, is to parent BELOW that line and to help our child feel safe with us even when they screw up. My mantra: "May I be a safe place for my child to land."
That doesn't mean we condone behavior, it simply means we love them through it.
I hope you can see that the actual conversation is SUCH A SMALL PART OF THIS PROCESS. This is more about YOU engaging with your child on every level, emotionally, spiritually, physically, psychologically. You need to be on their side, in their corner. And for me, since I felt blindsided and was left with many overwhelming emotions, this process took me some time.
But once you get to a more regulated place where you can sit down and talk with your child, authentic connection will begin. It is absolutely incredibly gorgeous. Let’s get to it.
One thing my people need: Advance Warning. So whenever I have had BIG CONVOS with them, I do two things.
Our role, then, is to parent BELOW that line and to help our child feel safe with us even when they screw up. My mantra: "May I be a safe place for my child to land."
That doesn't mean we condone behavior, it simply means we love them through it.
I hope you can see that the actual conversation is SUCH A SMALL PART OF THIS PROCESS. This is more about YOU engaging with your child on every level, emotionally, spiritually, physically, psychologically. You need to be on their side, in their corner. And for me, since I felt blindsided and was left with many overwhelming emotions, this process took me some time.
But once you get to a more regulated place where you can sit down and talk with your child, authentic connection will begin. It is absolutely incredibly gorgeous. Let’s get to it.
One thing my people need: Advance Warning. So whenever I have had BIG CONVOS with them, I do two things.
- I sit down with my husband and we discuss everything until we are on the same page, parenting from the same space and going towards the same objectives.
- I let my child know that we would like to speak with them. This allows them to mentally prepare vs just saying, "Sit down, kid."
I usually try to create an atmosphere of comfort as well as privacy. We usually talk when no one else is around, whether that be in a room with the door shut or after everyone is asleep. I also try to create an intentional mood when we sit down and chat. I have found that a plate of goodies and a special drink tells them clearly, "You are loved. You are special." Create a welcoming space. I have found it helpful to begin hard conversations with an apology. “Honey, as your parent, it’s my job to protect you. I did not know that pornography was seeping into your life. I am so sorry that I didn’t prepare you to handle it. Please forgive me.” |
Next, put some boundaries around your conversation.
Tell them your boundaries.
Tell them your goals for the conversation. Why are you gathered together? For example: We are 100% for you. Growing up in today's world is difficult. There are a lot of temptations and we realize just how much our children need guidance and how that is our role...
If you have not told them about the line, simply draw it out. Explain how we naturally hide from those we love. We don't want another to see our struggles. Tell them how much you love them and that you actually want to be invited below the line.
Be honest and share with them some of your "Below the line."
“I know it’s easy to look at me and think that I am perfect in this realm. But I, too, have struggled with sexual sins. I truly understand what you are going through.” (That is all my junior high child would need to know. If my child is a senior in high school or older, I go into more details.)
I also empathize with the amount of sexual temptation available to them nowadays. The internet is awesome but it has brought much sin into our midst. Be on their side.
If it seems needed, you can ask for their permission to go deeper...and if they are ready, get to the heart of things:
Ask questions so you can understand.
Assess the damage.
Assure:
Ask:
We'd love to hear what has worked well for you and how your child has reacted. We'd love to hear how you engaged more intentionally and the results. Remember, we are in this together and we truly want to know how you are doing.
Email: [email protected]
What I have discovered: Parenting Below the Line just means showing up in real time and going into that breach. What seemed so scary has proven to be breathtakingly beautiful in its authenticity and intimacy.
"Intimacy" = Into. Me. See.
God loves this way of parenting. I feel His Pleasure.
NOTE: I wish I could say that you could have one conversation and all will be well. Conversion is an ON GOING journey for all of us. This is about learning how to handle our sex drive and friends, that is a process.
Keep entering into conversations. Learn more and give more. Be there for your child in more ways. You can do this. You were born for this time. We believe in us as PARENTS.
Looking for more? The Parenting Dare 2.0 Proactive
- Will you be speaking about this to others?
- Will you mention it casually on social media?
- Will you bring it up and make them feel like crap for the rest of their life?
- Will you offer real amnesty? (Where they can speak without being judged.)
Tell them your boundaries.
Tell them your goals for the conversation. Why are you gathered together? For example: We are 100% for you. Growing up in today's world is difficult. There are a lot of temptations and we realize just how much our children need guidance and how that is our role...
If you have not told them about the line, simply draw it out. Explain how we naturally hide from those we love. We don't want another to see our struggles. Tell them how much you love them and that you actually want to be invited below the line.
Be honest and share with them some of your "Below the line."
“I know it’s easy to look at me and think that I am perfect in this realm. But I, too, have struggled with sexual sins. I truly understand what you are going through.” (That is all my junior high child would need to know. If my child is a senior in high school or older, I go into more details.)
I also empathize with the amount of sexual temptation available to them nowadays. The internet is awesome but it has brought much sin into our midst. Be on their side.
If it seems needed, you can ask for their permission to go deeper...and if they are ready, get to the heart of things:
Ask questions so you can understand.
- How old were you when this started?
- How did it happen?
- How did it make you feel? (you want to normalize their feelings. You may have to volunteer that pornography is a SUPERNATURAL stimulus, created with the intent to make us feel aroused. They might also have fear/guilt/anxiety/depression etc.)
- How did it/does it make you feel afterwards?
Assess the damage.
- How often do you seek it?
- What device?
- When?
- Where?
- Many kids see porn in other locations, like school or at a friends’ home. Now is the time to ask the questions.
Assure:
- You are not bad.
- You are normal. Porn is designed by people compelled by money. They designed it to hook us. It takes skills to combat its power.
Ask:
- Are you ready to quit?
- If yes, Create a Plan of Action. Work together on this, getting their input. This is the truly delicious part. They know you know and you are willing to work together to create a supportive environment.
- Safeguard the Environment.
- Discuss how and when electronics will be used in the home.
- Part of the issue: we turn to screens for all sorts of comfort. We turn to screens when we are bored, when we want a a different emotional state. How can you extract from screens and enter into real life? Is that important? What would that look like? Brainstorm ideas of projects and jobs your child could get involved in. This is about engaging the whole person.
- Temptations will still occur so decide on a Code Word. The child has permission to find the parent at any time, day or night, use the code word, and the parent will sit with the child until the temptation leaves. (This works well for some kids, not as well with others.)
We'd love to hear what has worked well for you and how your child has reacted. We'd love to hear how you engaged more intentionally and the results. Remember, we are in this together and we truly want to know how you are doing.
Email: [email protected]
What I have discovered: Parenting Below the Line just means showing up in real time and going into that breach. What seemed so scary has proven to be breathtakingly beautiful in its authenticity and intimacy.
"Intimacy" = Into. Me. See.
God loves this way of parenting. I feel His Pleasure.
NOTE: I wish I could say that you could have one conversation and all will be well. Conversion is an ON GOING journey for all of us. This is about learning how to handle our sex drive and friends, that is a process.
Keep entering into conversations. Learn more and give more. Be there for your child in more ways. You can do this. You were born for this time. We believe in us as PARENTS.
Looking for more? The Parenting Dare 2.0 Proactive
Check out our FREE RESOURCE: Raising Strong Kids Series
We also have an in depth training for parents: The Parenting Dare Proactive
Send me an email: [email protected]
We also have an in depth training for parents: The Parenting Dare Proactive
Send me an email: [email protected]
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